This is new for me, i do not really know how to handle this, i have tried everything. Il mathal bi2ool ‘ i3mel mnee7 w kob bil ba7ar’, it’s so true, day after day now i am realizing that the best way for a person to move forward in this life with a smile and not think of new ways to kill himself every minute is to treat people the way they deserve to be treated, and not how he wants to be treated himself. Most people deserve to be treated like shit, because they don’t get this world, they are just taking up space, air, while making it very hard for other people to go on with their lives and not be affected by their bullshit.

Seriously, some people go out of their way to just make sure that others are miserable and sad.

My search continues. I feel i won’t find what i’m looking for any time soon, maybe not ever, i dont know. It’s not really that i want to find this or that, it’s that i need these things i’m searching for. A puzzle can never be complete unless all the pieces are there, are present. They don’t always have to be in their position, they don’t always have to match, and make up the whole picture, that’s great if it happens, that would mean that the persons life is going great. That’s not easy to accomplish, very few people have the strength and the will power to fight for that. I do want that, but you can never finish the puzzle with pieces missing, it’s not possible. So my goal right now, this year lets say, is to find all my pieces, and then i will go about making sure they all fit so i can finally put them together and if i’m really pleased with the picture i might actually laminate it and hang it over my bed or something. Do i even make any sense??

The thing is i’m not even sure what pieces i want or need.

I’ve always believed that a person can make it on his own in this world, that being sociable and having a million friends is simply over rated, because i saw most of them as taking from my life rather than adding to it. But now i dont know. People ask and i say ohhh i’m fine don’t you worry about me, yes with that big smile :D. I even convince myself sometimes hehe. So i go on with my days, doing random things, just to get my mind off of things, i stay up very late, knowing that the second i put my head on my pillow the water works will start, and they do, and at that second i just want to have someone, anyone, to just cry to and tell them that i’m so far from being fine. I want to hit them and swear at them, i want to throw things at them, i want them to hug me, to tell me to cry and that it’s ok. I want to cry out loud, without having my hand over my mouth and keeping it all in so i make sure my parents don’t hear me. I want to shout, shout at myself, shout at them, just shout. 

Friends are so hard to find, so hard to keep, so hard to deal with. Maybe it’s only me. I do have a few friends, but i must admit, i am at the point where i need someone to take care of me, cause i can’t do that right now. I need that one special friend, who understands me, who can put up with me, who asks about me, texts or calls or whatever every single day, the way best friends do.

Where do i find that? How? I don’t remember how i made any of my old friends, it’s been so long.