A paralyzing thought

Sometimes weird things wander around my head, at times when i become more or less robot-like with my work, those sleepless nights on AutoCAD for instance, and the more late at night it is the weirder the thoughts, it only makes sense, you know. This week’s thought that has been running non-stop up there, is how much i’m going to suck at being a mother in the future, which i think is leading into me maybe making a decision of not having kids (as if this has anything to do with my life in the following say 6, 7 years lol).

I believe i’m going to suck as a mom for a number of reasons: first off i am such a selfish person, so selfish i don’t think i have it in me to dedicate my life to taking care of anyone from the moment they’re born up until they leave the house, i don’t think i’m going to be able to let go of my work at the time, my life, my own projects or activities, my morning sleep, my nights out or working. I don’t think i have it in me to wake up and take care of people and cook for them and take them to school and take them back and check their school work and explain to them what their teacher didn’t do a good job at, make sure they eat well, study well, play well, shower and get dressed and grow. It’s a full time job, people think it’s easy, something to do on the side, oh the house is empty why don’t we get pregnant and fill the house with laughter, excuse me, what laughter!

A million things pop inside my head when i think about being a mother, what if i don’t like my child, i don’t like a lot of people, what if i don’t like my child? Is it possible? I think it’s very possible, i don’t like my own self at times, let alone another human being, regardless of where they came from whether from my insides or some other woman’s. What if my kid grows up to be dumb, or shallow ughhhh!! I’d kill myself! What if they don’t have the same passion for life that i have, how are we going to get along! What if they grow up to be like me, unable to open up to their parents, i don’t think i want my relationship with them to be that of me and my parents, to not know anything about them, to not know what they like, to now know what they’re capable of and always think they are kids just because i fail to see the grown up and full of potential side of them. What if i fail, as a mother, to teach my children, to show them how to live, to guide them, one wrong move and they could go in the wrong direction, do i let them do that? Do i walk with them hand in hand, do i just show them the options and let them choose? Do i teach them myself about stuff? But i don’t want them to be a replica of me, i want them to be interested in their own things, not necessarily my interests. But what if they grow up not caring about their roots, about Palestine, about humanity, about good music, about amazing art, about good books! Do i tell them about my beliefs, so they grow up to be just like me, and believe in this and not to believe in that? How does that work? What if they choose something that i do not like or accept, do i try to push them in another direction? What if they grow up thinking popularity is “it”, that they’re too cool for school! what if, what if, what if!!

You see pregnant women, worrying about their weight, about what clothes will fit and what won’t, freaking about what color to paint the nursery, pink or blue – ah 2al mo3dila!- Ok yellow cause it’s neutral. What kind of diapers should we get, awwz this one looks cute!! Wait wait this one is more expensive bet it has an alarm for when the baby poops! The only important thing that they give some thought to is the name of the baby, most of the time it’s solved by making that easy choice of calling him/her after his/hers grandma/grandpa. The hard part is which grandma/grandpa now that needs an hour or two to think about. Do i call him a popular name, and when anyone calls out to him in the street 7 people around him will turn around, or do i call him that strange name and have him put up with 12 years of bullying over it, if not more. What if they depend on us too much, and are -daloo3een-, what if they are too tough for their own good and push us away and only live with us as strangers under one roof.

Millions and millions of questions i have. What if something goes wrong, would i be able to help them and fix it, or should i just stay out of it, how do i know what to do! How do you take making babies so lightly, how, should a person so passionate about living life to the fullest and has many many plans for the present and the future sacrifice all that to bring a child in the world that i know i’m going to be thinking about every second of the day, or worse the opposite, not caring about and just wanting my own life.

Oh the things our parents sacrifice for us, i realize that, i appreciate that, but it’s hard to appreciate when you are constantly reminded of it, when you see it everywhere you look, and i wouldn’t want to bring a child into this fucked up planet to witness that, to show them everyday that they have taken my life away from me, to show them how unfair this world is, to show them that the good only win in fairytales, and that dreams are most of the time nothing but nightmares, to show them that even THOSE who are supposed to be goodness and love can and most probably are everything but. To show them that this universe is going down, that the universe is full of hatred, of ignorance, of greed, of bloodshed, of killing, over land, over food, over love, over rights, over so-called honor, over diamonds, over oil, over water, over air. How do i bring them into a world that will only put them down further and further until they fight and yell to be free. Why would i bring them into a world where a 5 year old here is throwing a rock at a tank for the hope of living another day, and a kid over there walking into school with a gun and shooting down his colleagues with cold blood and hatred over the bullying and name calling. Should i bring them up in a world where sticks and stones will hurt them, or another where words will scar them for life. Will they let go of all that i just mentioned and see this earths beauty and want to explore it, will they feel the freedom of art, movement, and thoughts or will they give up in the face of all the shit this world is and keeps heading to. Will they find amazing people to share their lives will, or will they be loners, alive and in love with their thoughts and own world, which one would i prefer, which life would they lead. What do you do, when thoughts like these dance around you, how do you embrace such things, will any good come out of them, or are they signs of disorder, dare i say dysfunction.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
Kahlil Gibran

You need to apply and take an interview even before you are allowed to flip burgers at burger king, but ignorant people are free to bear 15 + children in their lifetime, only a few well chosen people should be allowed to breed, i bet that is the solution to our world and humanity, think about it.

- yes i understand that you need all types of people for this world to function and go by, but with a little thinking and planning everything can be worked out-

Again, think about it, and please, DO NOT KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS TO YOURSELF, i breathe your CO2 into my lungs and you breathe mine, the least you could do is share something good to balance things out.